i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
