Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
