why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
