how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
