I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
