I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
