Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
