I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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