He passed out mid-signature
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
