New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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