i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
