Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
