I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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