Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
