I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
