ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
