I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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