rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
