Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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