I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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