Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
