i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
