someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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