so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
