Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
