Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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