If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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