i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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