Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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