He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
