Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
