i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
