Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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