thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
