Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
