you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
