my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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