I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
