Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
