my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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