I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
