She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
