If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
