I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
