what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
