Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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