I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
where are you?
Hypothermia
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
