I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
