the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
