I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
